When choosing a sex partner, many of us assume that we only need to think about their worth to us in the short term: how good are they at having sex? Will they be good, giving, and game? If we’re the sort of person interested in a relationship, will they be able to fulfill those current and future needs? But friends, I am here to tell you that there is more to it than that. The truly savvy sexualist must consider the future value of their sexual partners—and how, in the years to come, the worth of past and present partners will reflect on their sex portfolio. To win the game, it’s best to choose wisely and pick partners who will increase in value over the years by getting hotter, more successful, and generally more awesome in the years after you slept with them.
Case in point: in the years since I started having sex, I’ve gone from a shy, socially awkward college student to a much more put together classy lady and lauded sexpert. Those people who engaged in sexual congress with me back when I was 17? Like investors in a successful start up, they managed to get in on the ground level and enrich their portfolio with an investment that just keeps getting more impressive and more valuable. Conversely: my personal portfolio is full of numerous bad investments—people who, regardless of what they seemed like at the time, have not held up in the long run.
Friends, it’s clear: for the best sex portfolio, both present and future, we must all choose wisely and make savvy investments.
once upon a time, i got naked on the internet for money.
bizarre racism!
I’ll drink extra goldschlager in your honor.
Re: stripper pole
A high traffic website is not automatically a website with high ad revenue—in the same way that a lemonade stand with one million glasses of lemonade does not automatically make one million dollars. Traffic is just inventory—you actually have to sell it to make money.
(Seriously, the fact that so many people don’t get this is mindboggling.)
Should I pursue my secret desire to make a web comic? If I get fifty “likes” on this, I will make another one (and also probably make this one look less like shit).
It is in the hands…of you, the people.
Thanks to the Frog and its resulting crickets which it is not eating (presumably because it is dead), going to work now feels like going camping.
Little known fact: in 2006, I won the title of Miss Congeniality at the Miss LEZ Pageant. I was awarded a certificate with Sandra Bullock on it and a bouquet of fake roses. I still have both.
