The Surprising Adventures Of Lux Alptraum

About two and a half years ago, in late August 2006, Wendy Shalit—of A Return to Modesty fame—contacted me about doing an interview for a book she was working on. I was, I should think understandably, a bit cautious about the interview, given who Wendy Shalit is, and given that she wanted to talk to me about porn—but I figured I might as well. For kicks.

The forty minute phone interview went surprisingly well, and I was pleased by the fact that Wendy and I had had a fascinating, respectful discussion—one in which we appeared to come to, at the very least, an agreement to disagree. You can read my account of the interview here.

The book, as it happens, came out last summer. I was unaware of that until last night, because—despite her promises to keep me informed of the project’s progress—Wendy Shalit did not inform me of the release of Good Girl Revolution. Though given what I learned yesterday, I can’t say I’m surprised.

Backing up: the only reason I learned about my appearance in Good Girl Revolution was because one of the book’s readers emailed me asking to get my side of the story, and for some context for the quotes used in the book.

Here is the passage that references me:

…Sometimes I can’t sleep because certain details I learn don’t add up for me. Like the young woman who told me she had ‘no regrets’ in starting an ‘alternative’ porn site in 2002, but she took down her site by January 2005. If she had no regrets, why take down the site? When I visited her blog in the wee hours one morning, I learned that her boyfriend at the time would not be initimate with her ‘unless there was a webcam on us, unless we were performing for an audience.’ This, naturally, had unsettled her. On the other hand, she wrote, one ‘great’ part of running a porn site was ‘documenting my life and having people care.’

“It’s been a year since I spoke to this young woman, but I remain haunted by this idea: creating pornography so that people will care? Clearly, we need to find other ways of showing girls that we care about them, even if they don’t want to take off their clothes. And as I’ve learned from my friends, who are truly good, it is never too late to show that you believe in someone. Growth is always possible. Until it happens, though, one can always write about it.”

Now, one might—rightly—point out that my anonymity is preserved in this passage. After all, Wendy Shalit does not cite me by name. However, the notes section of the book references my website as a source for the blog quotes, allowing anyone with access to the internet to figure out who I am and contact me. As evidenced by the fact that, yes, I was contacted about this passage.

Speaking of the passage: let’s break this down, shall we?

Like the young woman who told me she had ‘no regrets’ in starting an ‘alternative’ porn site in 2002, but she took down her site by January 2005. If she had no regrets, why take down the site?

I started college in 1999, and left in 2003. I had no regrets about being in college—yet amazingly, I’m no longer there!

Similarly, I started roller derby in 2004, and left in 2007. Again, no regrets—yet somehow I’m not doing it anymore!

I could go on and on about this one—but I think you see where I’m coming from. Amazingly, I have the ability to engage in an activity for a discrete period of time, then decide I’m no longer interested in the activity, and—without feeling remorse or regret about the time spent engaged in it—move on.

When I visited her blog in the wee hours one morning, I learned that her boyfriend at the time would not be initimate with her ‘unless there was a webcam on us, unless we were performing for an audience.’ This, naturally, had unsettled her.

The passage in question comes from a blog entry I wrote during a point in my life when I was attempting to process the experiences I had had while working as a porn model. Specifically, it comes from an entry titled “when it was bad,” a counterpoint to a previous entry, “when it was good.” In combination, the entries were meant to give a somewhat well-rounded depiction of my experiences.

Now, I’m not particularly interested in divulging the details of a terrible relationship I was in when I was young and foolish, but suffice it to say, the horrible parts of my relationship would have existed without pornography—if anything, porn just acted as a filter, and because my relationship was so tied up with my porn-making, the negative aspects of the relationship tainted parts of my experience with pornography.

On the other hand, she wrote, one ‘great’ part of running a porn site was ‘documenting my life and having people care.’

“It’s been a year since I spoke to this young woman, but I remain haunted by this idea: creating pornography so that people will care? Clearly, we need to find other ways of showing girls that we care about them, even if they don’t want to take off their clothes.

This quote comes from the aforementioned “when it was good” entry. Let’s look at some of the other things I said were good about porn:

It was me in charge of my little porno empire, calling the shots and being in charge and remaking the world into a kinder, gentler, happier version. It was me sitting on Isobel’s couch and watching as she photographed Bunny stripping out of her boy scout uniform.

It was me and Auryn, giggling together the way best friends do, playing around with cameras and clothes and dressing up and undressing and making some kind of art….

It was meeting creative, inspiring people and having them believe in me; having them join me in this adventure and eventually become close, trusted friends.

It was having people tell me that I made them feel beautiful and sexy and desirable.

It was being twenty-one, and a girl, and being a fucking CEO.

On the whole, I think “documenting my life and having people care” was pretty low on that list (and, for that matter, a motivation that’s hardly limited to girls who take their clothes off).

So. There’s that.

I’m writing this not because I want to clear my good name; it’s more because, as someone who works to promote healthy sexuality and a positive relationship to pornography, it is beyond insulting to have someone who I interviewed with in good faith completely manipulate me and reduce our thoughtful, respectful conversation into a little girl lost anecdote.

More importantly, I’m writing this because—much to my dismay—it seems these tactics are widespread among the antiporn media (as evidenced by the similarly manipulative “Price of Pleasure” documentary—another story entirely), and I’m sick and tired of it.

It’s one thing to disagree with me, and present a valid, fact-based argument. It’s completely another to twist the facts to the point where they’re barely recognizable, all to afford yourself a neat little anecdote that fits perfectly into your narrative of fear.

Or, for those looking for a moral to take from this story: caveat emptor.